party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Less talking, more tequila
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
