Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
