hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
