Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
