i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
