shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
