My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
