i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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