So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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