i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
