ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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