Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
