we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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