My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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