Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
