tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize