I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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