The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My feet surprised me
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