I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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