I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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