There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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