i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
