I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
