ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
