Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
