Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
