The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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