I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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