I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Found the puke drawer
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize