Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
