Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
