i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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