There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
