Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
