I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
