I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
