We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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