apparently the secret to your success is patron
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
