I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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