My room smells like vodka and shame
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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