He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
someone owes me an orgasm
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
