You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
