I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize