Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
false alarm. still invincible.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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