I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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