I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We are all done wearing pants today
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
