when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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