the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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