When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
