I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
