Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
