I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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