she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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