We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
