That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
