"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
