The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize